One of the greatest pre-apocalyptic tragedies of the 21st century is being a single adult in the church. I'm only half kidding here. I've had so many conversations with single Christians that go something like this:
"This morning at church I got asked if I had found anyone special yet"
"Oh yeah? How did that go?"
"When I said 'no' they asked if I wanted to be set up"
"Yup that sounds about right"
"When I said 'no' they told me I should give online dating a try"
"Oh, like, just give it a go? WOW, never thought of that before"
"When I said 'no' they told me not to worry, my day will come"
"Right, yeah, totally."
"So I should just sit around and wait for that day right?"
"Yeah, well you've obviously got nothing else to live for... I mean your life hasn't even started yet. You're single and how can your life start when you're single?"
If you're single and a Christian, you've probably had some sort of conversation like this. Give or take a few colourful words. Let's be honest, if you're single and in the church it's almost like you've been branded with the word "SINGLE" across your forehead until one day some plastic surgeon can come and skin graft it off for you and then you marry that plastic surgeon because they took the word "SINGLE" off your forehead. UGH SO ROMANTIC YOU GUYS.
My mum just recently started telling me to "get on it" with marriage. "Hurry up, I'm not going to be around forever, COME ON". All I thought was it's about damn time MOM. I've been fortunate enough to grow up with a mum who didn't force the fantasy fairytale of my one day Prince Charming. It was never a topic of discussion. We never sat and dreamed about the man I would one day marry. I'll be honest, there were some loses in not having that but it solidified one very important, major truth: I don't need a man to complete me. There was no promise a guy would come sweep me off my feet. No promise a guy would marry me. There was no waiting around for this day to come. My life was already in motion and it is going somewhere. Man or not.
There is this intense pressure to be married. This intense pressure to find true love. This intense pressure to "fulfill God's will". It's sad. It's hard. And it makes for a lot of depressed single people.
I've been in relationships before. I've had boyfriends. I've had the thought of "he's the one". I've had the almost, the casual, the "what even are we". Bottomline: the guys in my life should have treated me better. Destruction and damage happened and I thought I could fix the hurt by letting the next guy fill in the hole the last one dug. Leading to a lot of destructive behaviour.
I needed to be single. And it is okay to need that. It is 100%, totally, completely, without a doubt okay to be single. In fact it's even good.
I'm not saying that it's not okay for people to be in relationships. Hell, if you've found your partner in crime, you go Glen Coco. That's a beautiful and wonderful thing. But singleness is also a beautiful and wonderful thing.
I'm going on 5 years of singleness. That's 5 years without a boyfriend or even a date. And I feel great about it. I've learned my independence, my value, my self-worth, my abilities, my goals, my dreams, my strengths, my weaknesses all on my own. All without a man helping me. Well, one man helping me, shout out to you Papa G!
I would like a man in my life one day. But my prescribed singleness taught me that I don't need one. One day God may add a man to my life without adding a man to help start my life. I don't think I would have learned the importance in that without being single.
I'm scared that if we continue to push singles to find someone they will be putting all their eggs in one basket. Waiting for the day the "special someone" enters their life. I was at camp this summer and the speaker was amazing and so on point with a lot of things. But one thing caught me off guard. He got all the single high schoolers and staff to stand and looked us all in the eye and said "God has the perfect someone for you". I understand his intentions. I understand the underlining meaning of "don't settle". But man, those words hurt my heart. What if that day never comes for one of those kids? What if they have a call of singleness on their lives? What if they go home and sit around waiting for the day? What if they start getting upset that it hasn't happened yet? What if they quickly jump into a relationship because that was promised to them?
I think it's time to start reminding people that post-marriage abstinence is good. Totally kidding. Just needed to lighten the seriousness for a moment. BUT I do think it is time to start reminding people that it is okay to be single. It is a good thing. We need to start learning how to live well on our own first. How to live well in our own singleness. Being single doesn't mean you're damaged or ruined or desperate. It just means you're single. And that's good.
