Recently I've found myself in a tough situation. We don't have to get into any details because that's really not what matters. What matters is how I am walking with it. Rather, how God is helping me walk with it.
Tough situations always make me think about cursing God. And because I am a very good little Christian girl, I never curse God. Like never, ever, ever. EVER.
JK, LOL... it happens all the time.
In fact, I feel like I curse God in all my prayers that have the phrase BUT GOD
"I'm really struggling right now BUT GOD I don't want to"
"Jesus, can you tell me what to do BUT GOD don't make it too hard"
"Jesus, help me understand BUT GOD tell me exactly what I want to hear"
But God this and but God that... I feel like a five year old.
See whenever I say the words BUT GOD what I am really saying is "I know how to do this life better than you know how to do my life so can you puh-lease do it the way I want it done?"
It is all very scandalously manipulative.
It is all very scandalously manipulative.
During this sticky situation I found myself really praying out to God and asking him to help me get over it. Asking him to make it all better. Asking him to make it go away.
"BUT GOD FIX IT!!!"
And praise Jesus, he kindly did. But in a very, very, very different way than I thought he would.
He calmed me down. Gave peace to my heart. Gave me forgiveness. Gave me love. But most of all he gave me a realization. He fixed my eyes on him rather than my situation.
As I was walking to the grocery store today to clear my head and buy some milk, I couldn't help thinking about how stressed I was about my current situation. My mood was bad, my face was scrunched and it was a BEAUTIFUL day outside so my whole inside was like "God how dare you make this beautiful in the middle of my misery." I looked across the street and saw an adorable, beautiful little toddler girl walking with her grandma (or so it looked, I don't know these people). All I heard in my head was:
BUT I'M STILL GOOD.
I smiled. I kept watching this little girl walk with her (assumed) grandma. She was flopping along down the road. Her grandma grabbed her hand and taught her how to look both ways before crossing the street. Her grandma stopped her to show her the beautiful flowers on the side of the road. Her grandma let her run ahead and enjoy the freedom of not being tied to a hand.
BUT I'M STILL GOOD.
God reminded me that amidst the struggle, amidst the tough times, amidst the stress and uncertainty, he is still good. He is still present. He is still working.
He made it clear to me that life is going to have all sorts of ups and downs, it's going to seem unfair sometimes, shit is going to hit the fan, but he is still good.
God sometimes will walk with us holding our hand, teaching us how to look both ways before continuing life. God sometimes will make us stop and smell the flowers and enjoy what is around us. God sometimes will let us run ahead as he sits back and watches. And maybe God will sometimes hide in a bush eagerly and expectantly waiting for us to find him.
So though this is a crummy time, and little bit of a hard season, God is still good. I don't want to curse God for not doing it my way because I don't know everything. I want to thank God for walking with me. Find him amidst the hardship. I don't want to "but God" him. I want to praise him in the hard times and praise him in the good times and continuously walk through life with him. Asking questions, learning lessons and finding beauty in it all.
Because:
Life's hard.
Shit happens.
But God is still good.
